Sarcastic Monster Autobiographies

A place for Sarcastic Monster Autobiographies as brilliantly started by @Guesswhosback in the other thread.

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Hi I’m Malwing. I was born in a broken festival and was so bugged that you couldn’t use me in PvP for months. Once the bugs were worked out I was able to reek havoc, and I usually change the tide of the match with just my entrance passive. The Devs say im coded just fine and the mods defend me, but I cant help but notice I have an easier time sleeping the enemy chrono monsters, though its probably just coincidence.

If you dont have me or my counterpart Sobeking in your team you are at a serious disadvantage, and it could be argued thay even with my recent nerf I’m better than the non-limited mythics.

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Hi I’m Angelion.

I was born at the same time as one of the most useless monsters of all time, Exploding :poop: ball, meaning that half of the neo community got royally screwed.

As time progressed, it turns out I am the best monster in the game as I can hard counter every major meta and can only be killed by 3 monsters, can sweep, and can steal the enemy’s sweeper in exchange for dead weight on my team.

I’ve also given rise to the most cancerous FL meta since Abyss Nerida, the dreaded 4 on 0.

I’m so good I think I should be an 18 cost mythic and trade places with Onyxia, but many trainers refuse to admit that a tanky sweeping hard counter to every meta is OP and want to keep me as is. Who could blame them?

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Hi I’m Warca.

I’m super depressed to the point of not being able to do anything at all.

On the outside I’m a smiling happy fish boat. On the inside however, I know that I have only 1 move. That move lets me hide the shame that is the rest of my own moveset from the world. However I’m so weak I can only hide when I’m not sick. When I(and the people around me) are sick in some way I’m only a burden on them.

My secret(s) help me to send away any friends that I might have.

I doubt anyone will find a use for me in the future.

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Hi I’m bazilogon. I used to be Warca’s best friend. We were a lot alike, until he started acting all nasty and sent me away.

In response I said some things that might have been a bit too shocking. It all happened so fast. I hope he’s doing okay, I sure haven’t been. . .

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Hi I’m Oniblade. Ive been around for a very long time and never caused any major Problems. I had a good time with my Friend Aegis but those times are gone, that guy is a trashcan now. Thankfully I am not a trashcan although I almost became one when almost every other legend had a secret skill and I didnt. There were many cool secret skill Ideas for me but for some reason the devs decided to give me a second OoO which was one of the worst decissions ever.

Basically everything from swift dreamhunt to swift toxic killer would have been fine. Now I have two new best friends. Bunkerbeast and Angelion. Since 4 on 1 frontlines are as incredibly annoying and effective as they are popular right now, some people really dont want to see my secret skill nerfed or changed although this would be without a doubt the best way to make me balanced again. Besides a very small group of monsters everybody hates me for completely taking the fun out of the game. I dont understand why. A move that is called One on One was clearly designed to put all enemy monsters asleep while four of my guys are awake. Also that Bird, Stratuswhatsoever, seems to be very jealous. He didnt talk to me in quite some time.

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Hi I am Solariel. I used to be Serapheons best friend. I am a support monster, so you want me to be on the field to help the team. My Secret skill is to kill myself. No more words needed.

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Hi I’m raizen. I used to be the god of stun. Then came angelion. His mere presence made me as good as a bronzeshell because my chrono killer attack can’t kill him. Leogeist played it fair, allowing me to send him packing but ever since angelion appeared, I’ve fallen as low as motordragon. More and more stun counters keep appearing including the most recent one, who’s somehow immune to chrono killer and is of the Earth element. I wish I got solariel’s secret skill because I feel like I want to end it all

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Oh, Oni, you forgot me, your friend Galliovern. We had a good time back in the days when very few people had leo to counter my fastest stun.

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Hi I’m Captain Whiskers! I was introduced as a UC reward a few years ago back in the good old days. For a while I was overlooked by top players in pvp but the guys who payed attention realised I effectively had a 300s novablast that could be reused. Obviously this was totally fine and never got abused by everyone. Unfortunately the devs decided to nerf me one day, so my barrage could only be used after 400s. Somehow this 100s nerf took me completely out of the meta so I merely remain a whales treasure monster like so many others despite ROFL stomping the meta for exactly 1 pvp season

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Hi, I’m BundleBlazer. I am so unique that I can disgust my owners. I save the training points, evolutionary materials, potions, silvers for my owners, as I have a lovely design in my initial form. Wait, is it because my owner does not even realize I am in his/her collection? This must be a game glitch rather than my extraordinary moveset.

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Hi I’m Dragaia. I’m a last biter, which is a strategy that some might even consider to be the oldest one in the book. I have been described as great for getting through PVE events early in the game, but lackluster at best for PvP. @eNjiin even went so far as to say that I could NEVER be used in PvP. This got me down but then my friend Gary, who never gave up on me, got creative and found a way to make Last Bite work in PvP. Although it might not be as effective as other endgames (maybe ditch life flip for HP Sharing @Dev_VKC), Gary and I have had a blast wrecking people with a strategy that people said would never work in PvP. If you got last-bit to death this PvP, please don’t be ashamed to share your stories.

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Hi, I’m Voidress. I recently broke out of my containment chamber after escaping those SCP guys and decided to chill out in Verosia. When the trainers first heard of me, I was heralded as a harbinger of the apocalypse and while that is true, I sure as hell take my sweet time doing so. Hold Ground and Shields mean nothing to me thanks to my impressive moveset, including a giant middle-finger to all those Death Revenge monsters. And if that wasn’t enough I can start dancing in everyone’s blood once I get sufficiently charged up, however this requires me to kill three legends on my own side, leaving me to befriend this Sucktallion or whatever it calls itself, I don’t care. A lot of trainers hate the way I look, but that’s merely because I don’t resemble that waif they slobber over, Lily I think she’s called. A shame I couldn’t keep my original passive to negate damage over a certain amount, but I guess the devs realized that was too much power creep and dialed it back, which is very rare in this day and age.

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What about gyo and magma cr*p :grin:

Can I suggest you to change it in “I suppose to be Bundleblazer”?
I don’t think he ever reached that stage.

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Can I suggest one for Onigeist? I don’t know his storyline :roll_eyes:

Ok, I can try out those three.

Hi, I’m Gyomurai, the meanest fish from the deep. I was blessed with a souped-up Confident Strike that breaks through Hold Ground, and isn’t affected by tick damage like the rest of the Confident Strikers. I may have three other moves, but they could be basic attacks since nobody gives a damn about them. But that’s not all, I had a Slayerbane All SS that was so overpowered that the devs had to nerf me, alongside my partner in crime Prismaryx. Now days, I’m hanging out with my buddies Angelion and Oniblade in one of the most degenerate frontlines of all time. A shame that I don’t hear much from my old pals Tago and Triva; whatever happened to them anyway?

Hi, I’m Magmarinus, and I loved smashing my head into things to kill them. The moment I enter the field, you can kiss your sweepers goodbye as my Dual Slayerbane eats those punks for breakfast, enabling me to smash into things even harder. But don’t worry, I can heal myself multiple times in case I need it, despite the bug being fixed rendering me useless. Now days I rarely see play because my moves are “too random”, despite the fact that I usually hit the monster that my opponent desperately needs alive.

Hi, I’m Onigeist. You may remember me from that one festival where my buddy Tortogeist debuted, winning over people with his monster snatching ability. Trainers initially deemed me useless, but once they found out about the combos I can pull off with Malwing, they all started clamoring for me. As for what I can do…well nobody really cares; they just saw the free pullbacks and started rolling for me despite my impressive versatility in sleep-teams. Oh well, at least it got me a little bit of love.

Expect more of these in the future, most likely about the mythics.

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Name’s Rexotyrant but they call me Suicide Tyrant. Those fools! They are probably just jealous of my good looks! I admit my passive is a joke and devs better do something about it or else!!.. But Suicide Tyrant??? I will show them my power! I don’t care whether my own teammates die in the process! Prepare to di…Urgh!

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Hi I’m Infernicorn, and most likely with my buddy Magmarinus, I like smashing myself to kill my opponents.
However I desperately need my SS to shot same of them.
Occasionally I turn in a fuckin vampire and God knows how everytime I find my opponent with three stunner in a row!
But sometimes it happen that I find coming in that son of a ■■■■■ of Malwing, and since I am a chrono monster I have no escape but devs continue to say is “random”.
Well now I feel so sleepy, it means only one thing and you know it.

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I wanted to do infernocorn but he’s actually fine if you ask me. He’s not a meme like the rest of the monsters here